anthill

what a blur of vacation, visiting around, happy touristing with an ole friend. now with bike and new computer speakers and some new thrifty clothes (great $3 pantaloons!) and new thrifty table ($6!). the weather is starting to get cooler in this metro-anthill, enough to wear a jacket in the evenings, but enough sun and warmth to keep my plants on the balcony for longer.

this crazy free time! i'm trying to enjoy it, calmly but consciously, since next week will be back to fullcourt medicine. ran 5miles(!) with fellow intern in the woods of van cortland park the other day, enough to forget i was in a city (yeah right!), then ate west indian street food with blue moon beer, then slept 12 hrs lest my legs fall off. went to the library, got "invisible man" by ellison, having finished the jungle (quick, fulfilling, dark read).

slowly feeling better about my work abilities- mainly efficiency/speed. people hate to wait... but interesting to compare it to common ground. both were free, but whereas these medicaid/insurance/etc patients are free, but impatient, common ground patients had it free, but directly from us, and thus were so much more thankful for the service we provided, willing to wait a half day for an appointment. this could be dissected to death, but i think the truth is obvious... what is more interesting is what this implies... the thing is, i'm more and more interested in exploring the hidden truths (amongst shitloads of deception) in perspectives contrary to mine, such as, in this case, that "when things are free from a 'big govt program', the services are abused, people feel entitled," and something important is lost... each person, from service providers (all sectioned into little departments, or specialties: primary care, cardiology, gynecology... nutrition, therapist, nurse) to ancillary staff (medicaid coordinator, referral coordinator, billing, medical records) to building staff (security, janitors, maintenance)... is pretty removed from the other sections, pretty removed from the patients' overall experience, and vice versa (patients removed from each worker person's overall experience), thus eroding the potential for understanding/compassion and thus solidarity. so this amorphous entity that somehow results in free healthcare is still a capricious resource to exploit and distrust (like sending your perfectly fine sandwich back to the kitchen because you asked for spicy mustard, not regular mustard), and these barcoded patients are noncompliant junkfoodies and malpractice lawsuits waiting to happen.

perhaps this is an issue for the nyc anthill in general? this is the kinda city where so many people get paid a decent amount enough to maintain a modest lifestyle, with a tiny apartment, but with enough benefits (provided by a state that is big on benefits, unions, social services, etc) to live well, with enough income in an environment with cheap enough labor/services such that anything can be cheaply outsourced: cleaning your house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, tending the children, cooking food, commuting, entertaining yourself, educating yourself, finding spirituality, finding love/lust. we have someone to do each thing, and since there are so many people that need things done, and so many people that need to do things, we can all specialize in any aspect of life, get enough business to support ourselves doing it, and live comfortably. this anthill is one gigantic assembly line, producing ourselves from ourselves. churn churn churn.

interesting thing about this anthill: so easy to step on each other, so so crowded, for anything, anytime, always... so often hearing someone bitching someone out, someone hollaring bout something, or some boys flexing, some couple kissing, some girls flaunting, some old dude hocking a loogey, some stinky homeless dude... but there's a certain humilty that this produces, cause we all know we are ants, it's hard to consider yourself important when theres just millions of people within a few trainstops of you. any quality, be it mental physical spiritual, that you think you have, there are 800 people with more of that quality and 800 people with less of it. the individual experience is one thing, but taking your individuality seriously is another. and, maybe because of this, maybe despite this, ants around here tend to find the most comfort in simple boring ass activities with their favorite people. it doesn't seem like people are busy exploring the diversity around them; they hedge into a comfortable nitch of routine- of people, places they pass on their way to places they work/play/eat/sleep, excitingly routine festivals and parties and events, cliques and meeting spots and activities. it's hard to explore the diversity when it's limitless... cause where do you go with it? what's the endpoint? how can you not lose yourself even further, fading and fading until you are truly meaningless and invisible, extraneous interchangeable?

myself, on the other hand, am still observing objectively this frantic antfrenzy with my high and mighty perch of neworleans uniquetry, further refined amidst the clusterfuck out here... but maybe this is what each of these people are thinking: yeah, what a crazy city, so diverse yet so redundant, so crowded so lonely... but here i am, this lone, singular perspective, absorbing and fermenting it all up.