wow i was stressed today... not really for any specific reason, just felt the vast darkness within and shit. like this program was a mistake, this city is spiritless, i'll never learn what i need to learn, and even if i learn it, it means nothing in the face of the shitty american healthcare system, which in the end has nothing to do with health and wellness anyway (it's really about what we eat, seriously), which doesn't necessarily affect happiness and suffering. and, when i step back from this darkness, i see myself spinning in angryangry circles, thinking the worst of everything and everyone around me, then finally centering on myself, breaking myself down til there's nothing left but hunger (for food), physical exhaustion, and workworkwork.

whew. then i breath a bit, and step back from stepping back, and realize that i'm spinning in circles. and i remember how i was predicting this, unconsciously, in meditation, which i have had to put off for the past few mornings (too tired, too rushed). and i remember that this is part of everything, illusory, fleeting... the complex and boring result of genes, parental styles, social circles in and out of school, cultural influences, philosophical bents, life experiences, emotional wanderings, and stressstressstress, all of which is really arbitrary. so i tell myself i have the opporunity to rise above this randomness to act kindly to those around me. and breathe deep a few times, and focus on my present moment: writing a discharge summary, looking up the workup for intermittent porphyria, figuring out whats the right dose of dalteparin.... inane but so real. and i think about how awesomely i will use my time on sunday, when i get an entire day and night with no real plans, no work, nothing but me. time to focus on me and how i feel, to ask myself how i'm feeling, how have my BMs been, whether i have any dolor, and whether my leg swelling has decreased.

after work, waytoo exhausted to put anything together in my deadbabyroachgraveyard-of-a-kitchen, walking outdoors for the first time in about 24hrs (i can take a tunnel to the hospital from my building next door), i'm surprised that it's like 65degrees and windy and misty and dark. in shorts and the oldest, thinnest, softest tshirt i have, i hunch my shoulders against the chilly gusts, psychologically turning up my collar against the vast city, and i realize things are awesome, cause here i am, on my own, finally shrugging off all of my pasts and futures, able to confront and dissect and caress and destroy everything thats been floating around inside, which had been too tethered to my daily life in NOLA to be let go, to be repositioned, to be examined and appreciated. and i miss it beyond expectation, of course, but i surprise myself in how happy i am to be anywhere new, with a blank slate. i'm SO curious as to whats going to happen, and i'm even relatively satisfied if i end up falling apart, on crutches like everyone else, smoking drinking tvwatching chasing any dragon marching to the end from the beginning, because it would make a beautiful story in the eternity of my spirit. but i secretly hopehopehope that i will transcend the straight path, and revolve around something beautiful that exists throughout, not spinning in obscure dark vibes, but emanating a light that i got from somewhere else and that i share with everyone. and no one is distiguishable from anyone else, and no day is distinguishable from any other, because everything is soft clear flowing clarity.