REE FLEX SHUN

OOH i'm so amused, like in the way when you see a big slob get wasted and puke on tv, but not in real life- like sorta amazed and disgusted but unable to look away. i'm amused because i discovered some files i've been carrying around on my different computers over the years: REFLECTIONS. Part of SPARKLE, this "enrichment" weekend and summer program for kids k-8, where i first started helping after 10th grade, then probably my last time working there was in my senior year of college... this program VERY much influenced my life, who i am, etc...
the reflections were part of the overall program, which besides being a camp/school for "gifted" (as deemed by the state and IQ scores and shit) by Louisiana, was also a grad school practicum course in "gifted education" in UNO. so i participated like a grad student in some ways, more so as the years went by, but without unreasonable authority/responsibility over kids. i did participate in reflection writing, and "group discussion", which we did every day, during which we discussed, in an open, "safe", small group, the reflections of the day/weekend before. each session(summer, spring or fall), each person would write 6 or 8. there was all this deep education theory behind this, and how it was supposed to grow teachers into a holistic perspective on their effect on kids, but really it was about knowing yourself, knowing others, learning how to express and understand, learning how to connect and draw others into connection.

but, what a treasure to find some old reflections! what an embarrassing fun time to read back at my old egotistical neuroses, a mix of self-aggrandizement and self-degradation (i guess things haven't changed!). i'm so amazed that i'm going to copy-n-paste one of the lesser awful ones (honestly, the other ones i've read are worse!)


Reflection ONE 1-30-04

I’ve been thinking about “the Sims” computer game as a metaphor of life, again. For those who may not have read or remember that reflection, because I don’t exactly remember myself, I will summarize. The game is in the tradition of other “sim-” games, such as “simcity” and “simzoo.” Basically, “sims” is a simulation of daily life, in all its monotony, but somehow the game is addictive. In my three week obsession whatever summers ago when I was confined to my parents’ house, I must have played that game for hours a day, everyday.

In the game, you can create characters, according to a set selection of faces, body types, clothing, attitude (outgoing, polite, active). Then, you can build a house for your “sims” according to a variety of décor: roofing patterns, wall paper, multiple stories, inexpensive futons, plush carpets, modern lamps, luxurious spas, trees, bushes, flowers, fences, paintings, kitchenware, dining tables, recliners, beds, carpet, sculpture, lawn flamingos, etc. Your choices here depend on money, and affect your “comfort” levels (which I will explain shortly). With your kitchenware, and using your phone to call for pizza, you have your sims feed themselves consistently, to affect “hunger” levels. Your “energy” and “clean” levels are accordingly regulated by sleeping, using the toilet, and bathing. Of course, different activities, of which there is quite a variety, deplete your different levels; working out depletes much energy, using the toilet runs down your “clean”. The two slightly more complicated requisites are “fun” and “social”. “Fun” is effected by playing basketball, watching TV, dancing, playing chess, reading (this isn’t so effective), playing a virtual reality game (this is the most effective), telling/listening to a joke, swimming, playing guitar, etc. You must always keep your fun levels high enough, or your sim gets frustrated and inefficient (he might occasionally stop his given task and cry): if he has a job, he will lose promotions. Hunger dropping low can cause death, low energy can cause fainting, low clean can cause the sim to soil himself, low comfort is similar to low fun and social. Social is the more complicated part of the game: your sim interacting with other sim personalities be they under your control or the computers (or other people over the internet). Depending on fated (picked by the sims’ creator) temperaments, your sim will have several interactive choices, such as small talk, entertain, kiss, ridicule, dance, brag, insult, fight, hug, give gift, fight, compliment, etc, each of which will influence the other sim’s reaction and attitude. Again, in order to get promotions and such, you need a certain number of “friends,” those with whom you have a positive enough accord; besides, sharing food, fun, living space, and other resources is much more efficient for the sims, so it just makes sense.

With these fundamental conditions of the game, you must keep your sims on a stable routine, and all the while you work to achieve in the hallowed “career” path. This is where your money comes from, with which you furnish your house, buy fun things, pay bills, and sustain your sim. Again, there are many choices for an occupation: science, entertainment, military, criminal, daredevil, athlete, law, medicine, business, etc. Everyday, you must go to work (a carpool picks you up); everyday, you receive a paycheck. To get a raise, you must get promoted; to get promoted, you must be a proficient, dependable sim (by maintaining your “levels” and going to work on time). Thus, with every promotion and bonus, you accelerate your career, from hospital janitor to medical technician to resident to family practitioner to chief surgeon. You work to support yourself, you support yourself to work, but let me not get ahead of myself.

And oh yeah, the game throws in many unexpected happenings to keep things interesting: burglars, fires, alien abductions, lottery winnings, block parties, etc.

So anyway, the analogy/metaphor/direct resemblance/actual imitation is incredibly clear, I hope, because I carefully worded my page long description. As I continue through the part of my life where I transition to making career choices, sustaining and amusing myself (same thing), accepting some of the temperaments I seem to be fated, and establishing a routine to get the most of my day, I wonder why I am so obsessed/habituated/addicted/immersed with this game. Why was I so immersed in “the sims” years ago? I don’t recall; I just wanted to pass time. The game became boring, of course, when I bought every type of furniture, art, refrigerator, stereo, shower, brick pattern; when I excelled in every profession, advanced to the top in all stations and maximized all skills (health, logic, creativity, technical, eloquence); when I had over a dozen friends, a wife, a child, roommates of every kind; when I owned a pool, a three story house, the best computer, a cute birdbath; basically, once I had seen and experienced every choice in the game, there was no novelty left, and since the actual gameplay was already stale, I had to find something new to occupy my time (college parties started right about then, I remember).

I hope I am not redundant in this reflection, because I don’t intend to be. My actual perspective on this, er, perspective on life has changed since I last wrote this reflection. As I have tricked more freedom out of my parents over the years, I have opened up so many more choices in my game on very extreme sides of the spectrum. I have experienced several different modes of fun, lived with diverse roommates in diverse homes, tried a few “career paths” in my college-educated realm, advanced my skills, spent money, made friends by bouncing temperament and mood back and forth. I was amused, I’m sure, but never much happier. I was generally not unhappy, nor happy, that summer after high school, but after trying all the choices available to me, nothing new is gained, just three weeks of my summer are passed.

India, as I may or may not have ever communicated, was the first time since pre-adolescence that I have been genuinely surprised by my living, frozen in incredulity at my being, like I have sometimes witnessed in very flowing, very natural, very intense sparkle groups (usually the youngest ones). I am beginning to doubt whether I was there long enough to make sense, analyze and evaluate my simple, profound experience, but I know that I did not live that differently than my Sim existence here: I had needs to maintain daily, daily tasks that sought my attention… but perhaps there was no empty goal of a career… perhaps I did not strive for novelty in my current Sim definition… whatever.

My point is, that I previously hypothesized that my mistakes in the past were the quality of my choices regarding my needs (by the way, I recently ran across some two page summary of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I will try to remember to include it in this reflection packet). So, I have changed much: I’m a vegetarian, I seldom drink, I even more seldomly engage in other destructive behaviors, I live with a stable, positively influencing roommate and neighborhood, I work hard, sleep enough, wake early, eat healthy, exercise regularly, brush my teeth, wash the dishes, study/read often, work with the autistic child, work at Sparkle, work in a science-ish lab, get along wonderfully with my family (of which I am sincerely grateful nowadays), exercise compassion and patience to the best of my ability… and the quality of my life has substantially improved, and the hours of my day and the days of my week are spent quite richly and I take nothing for granted. At the same time, I never truly appreciate things… sure, in an objective, mature way, I realize I work hard for happy things, and also happy things just happen, and I am happy. But not in an immature, childlike, soulful way… not like I was in India.

I suppose that there is some error in how I am trying to bring my experience from one setting and apply it to another setting. To be optimistic, I can consider that now I know that this thing I am searching for has nothing to do with the choices of sustenance. In fact, it doesn’t seem to have to do with anything the game offers, or can (but may not currently) offer. I have recently been seriously considering delaying my med school shit and taking a year off, just to travel and bum around until I can figure things out. This is all very far off, and I have much time to decide, but I am restless. I spoke to my mother about these deep issues (what a wonderful sentence, I never thought I would/could write it!), she kind of understands, but I think the decision she made at her similar time was to continue living for other peoples’ standards, her family’s, her community’s, her husband’s, her kids’, her profession’s. I guess I have come to this point earlier, with much more psychological freedom and much more rage-against-the-machine-i-don’t-give-a-damn mentality than she did, so the decision is harder and more risky. My mother said I just have “youthful blood,” and I will calm down eventually. I would hope not.

When I was at the height of my sims obsession, I would often play late at night when nothing interesting was on tv and no one was awake. The only reason I would get up is the use the bathroom, get some food, or if I was really tired. Just like the game, I would only stop playing if actual needs motivated me. So, if by playing the game, I could actually satisfy my real world levels, would I ever stop? If I had unlimited choices, thousands of television channels, newer and better video game systems, new music, new promotions, new sales at the mall, cooler presents at holidays, better vacations in the summer, new combinations of temperament to chat with and tell jokes to, would I ever get bored of the game? I think I have.

As an addendum, after letting a friend read this and question holes in content, let me attempt to explain my situation in Dharamsala. There, as I mentioned, I definitely had a routine, very simple, very needs-driven, perhaps my needs were simpler rather than the routine. Nevertheless, it wasn’t some weird sensation-laden journey, nor some philosophical exploration, nor exciting adventure. It was boring, in a way, because it was a relatively small town, with not many available activities, at least compared to anywhere else I have been in my short life. Perhaps the difference lies there: for me, and most travelers, and inhabitants, of out there, there is not much choice. For instance, and as a babbling, only slightly relevant aside, I was recently remembering this little café dealy that I frequented, and this sole waiter (but the term doesn’t apply at all, really he just brought food and took orders… and you don’t tip out there) who I chatted with, but not really (I don’t think I’m very chatty, though loud). And I remember how… well… humble, and good, he was at what he did. Which means, as I would define it, he was just natural, not overly friendly, not snooty, not apathetic, not trying too hard. He would bring food, if you wanted a change, he’d say ok, he’d chat with friends in between, or just sit around if nothing else, he’d look out the window, smile if you’re friendly, etc. No one here, it seems, does that when they work. Most teachers are condescending to kids, or overly motherly or nice. Most waiters are trying to be really polite, or they hate their damn jobs and hate you for asking them for a sandwich. Students hate that they are students, having to learn all this shit. No one seems to really like what they do (with all of your dear readers exempted J) because there is always something better. The choice screws you. And western society, and democracy and the economy and Christmas and free trade and the all-powerful dollar and pepsi-vs-coke and life-liberty-pursuitofhappiness is all fueled by this choice. There is so much choice that you cannot be content with your present one. All you can do is work to buy more shit so you can amuse yourself to work some more tomorrow. In India, though it can be a very gloomy and oppressive element, there is little choice. The dude working at that café was grateful for his meager, boring position there because he doesn’t have much of a choice. And not grateful, the way they explained it when I went to Christian private grade school, grateful that we aren’t starving like Somalians and hobos and junkies. I mean, he was chillin’ in what he did. Just as I was chillin’ doing a whole lot of nothing for several weeks in Dharamsala.

I guess, no matter how smart, educated, or enlightened a person is (or I think myself to be), if you put a rat in a running wheel, he’s gonna run. Is it possible to avoid the wheel here? Is it possible to stop running if I am in the wheel? This will take time to figure out.