like the last time, to start from the beginning again

what am i doing here? 2 months ago i was bored, dull, unmoving unmoved. i hated my family, my friends. now i'm like: "mommy!" i was like, "my friends, my family are holding me back. they don't even know me." now i feel like they were the only thing keeping me from sinking through the ground.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE? what am i looking for? what was i looking for, looking over here from there, looking to anywhere, so hungry so starving for newness... it was something, but i can't even remember the feeling, let alone the idea. am i really feeling nostalgic, here, now that i'm finally HERE? all i can remember is what i lost, just like the last time, and the time before that...

BUT what about the last time? and that time before that? what happened right after this happened? i bitched and pined, i reread and reminisced, feeling hopeless feeling disconnected, finally accepting my zombie spirit at this new empty place. and when i finally gave in, succumbing to numbness... things crept in, little bits. persons. places. experiences. memories. pain. delight. connection. poignancy. then it was "remember when you said..." and "oh let's do this..." and "i LOVE this...!"

until... "why am i still here?" and "i can't WAIT for something new!" i remember for a second that this happened before, then i forget...!